Colleagues

Associate and participate or Dissociate for perspective using NLP
Chapter 5
p.5
Dissociation and Association? Sounds terribly complicated to me! What is it and how can it help me to improve my interaction with colleagues and customers?
Dissociation and Association are two NLP techniques and are closely related to the Johari Window – The Glad Game.
Dissociation means literally to disconnect, create some distance, to gain perspective, to see situations and yourself in perspective.
Association means to connect closely, to participate in the here and now. In dealing with any external stimulus, like a problem, you can choose whether you want to Associate or Dissociate.
You can even shift from one to the other to gain a more complete understanding and insight. Unfortunately, many people operate in either the one or the other mode …
Mike Matulovich’s’ explanation of “seeing yourself in the picture vs. seeing yourself in the situation” should make it even clearer.
Thank you to: Mike Matulovich
Dissociation (Disconnect)
See yourself in the picture
(become aware of yourself).
Observer of yourself.
Talk to yourself about the situation.
How do you feel about your feelings.
Did you know?
Human beings are the only animal species that can dissociate.
Dissociation is useful for:
Dealing with conflict.
(It allows you to have better control of the situation and enables you to ask questions in an objective manner and tone).
Monitoring yourself. (Stand apart from yourself.)
See yourself from outside yourself. (See yourself through the eyes of someone else. Step outside of yourself to manage conflict.)
Enabling you to:
Feel pain
Remain in control
Feel no emotion which obscures judgment
Learn from negative experiences
Build resourcefulness
Design desired states
Association (Connect)
See now what you see.
Participate in the event.
Hear now what you hear.
Feel now what you experience.
Did you know?
Association is the state we live in – the subjective experience.
Association is useful for:
Enjoying yourself (Associate with happiness, success, feelings of love and joy – live for the moment.)
Empowering yourself with successes.
Utilizing positive experiences.
(When tackling a problem draw from past successes – think of all the thousands of problems you have already solved.)
Accessing resourcefulness.
Accessing past positive states.
Writing down a problem immediately dissociates one from it.
One should associate with success and happiness, and utilize success to deal with problems.

Associate and Participate or Dissociate for Perspective using NLP

Chapter 5 p.5

w&t_question

I Ask

Dissociation and Association? Sounds terribly complicated to me! What is it and how can it help me to improve my interaction with colleagues and customers?

w&t_exclamation

I Answer

Dissociation and Association are two NLP techniques and are closely related to the Johari Window – The Glad Game.

Dissociation means literally to disconnect, create some distance, to gain perspective, to see situations and yourself in perspective.

Association means to connect closely, to participate in the here and now. In dealing with any external stimulus, like a problem, you can choose whether you want to Associate or Dissociate.

You can even shift from one to the other to gain a more complete understanding and insight. Unfortunately, many people operate in either the one or the other mode …

w&t_binoculars

I Explain

Mike Matulovich’s’ explanation of “seeing yourself in the picture vs. seeing yourself in the situation” should make it even clearer.

w&t_ch5_f_association-and-dissociation

Thank you to: Mike Matulovich

Dissociation (Disconnect)

  • See yourself in the picture
    (become aware of yourself).
  • Observer of yourself.
  • Talk to yourself about the situation.
  • How do you feel about your feelings.

Did you know?

Human beings are the only animal species that can dissociate.

Dissociation is useful for:

  • Dealing with conflict.
    (It allows you to have better control of the situation and enables you to ask questions in an objective manner and tone).
  • Monitoring yourself. (Stand apart from yourself.)
  • See yourself from outside yourself. (See yourself through the eyes of someone else. Step outside of yourself to manage conflict.)
  • Enabling you to:
    • Feel pain
    • Remain in control
    • Feel no emotion which obscures judgment
    • Learn from negative experiences
    • Build resourcefulness
    • Design desired states

Association (Connect)

  • See now what you see.
  • Participate in the event.
  • Hear now what you hear.
  • Feel now what you experience.

Did you know?

Association is the state we live in – the subjective experience.

Association is useful for:

  • Enjoying yourself (Associate with happiness, success, feelings of love and joy – live for the moment.)
  • Empowering yourself with successes.
  • Utilizing positive experiences.
    (When tackling a problem draw from past successes – think of all the thousands of problems you have already solved.)
  • Accessing resourcefulness.
  • Accessing past positive states.Writing down a problem immediately dissociates one from it.
w&t_elephant

I Advise

One should associate with success and happiness, and utilize success to deal with problems.

Use this process for issue resolution and management

Master Career Coach, Unre Visagie explaines in the following video how to apply the “Issue Resolution Model” in your career. This model can be applied to any challenging scenarion that you experience as an issue. Handel the issue in such a way that you always grow your career.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tJmBdjFTwg

issue resolution process

Question

When I think back to some situations that I have had to deal with recently, I’m not so sure that I go about resolving issues in the best way possible.

What process can I follow that will ensure optimum results?

problem resolution

Answer

By applying the steps, guidelines and questions in the Issue Management and Resolution process when dealing with a situation, you will enhance your ability to resolve issues involving customers, suppliers and colleagues, as well as issues within your family and social context.

issue resolution

conflict resolution strategies

Advice

The key concept is identifying alternative solutions; having options is the wealth of life.

problem resolution process

Question

But can a company use a Win-Win decision making process that maximizes the value to all parties?

w&t_exclamation

Answer

Companies can subscribe to an inclusive transparent decision making process. As illustrated below, this process is self-correcting and is an effective mechanism to check the use of personal and positional power in decision making.

Seeking objective criteria.

Getting input from others

Initiating.

Seeking/giving information and opinions.

Encouraging others to action.

Facilitating

Focusing discussions.

Clarifying and elaborating.

Summarizing.

Integrating.

EvaluatingAssessing relevance.

Identifying personal preferences and agendas.

Set a SMARTM action plan.

Making a decision

Use appropriate tools, for instance:

  • Decision matrix
  • Force Field
  • T-chart
Communicate to people who must know.
Communicate to people for whom it would be nice to know.
conflict resolution techniques

Advise

This process encourages true Elephant behavior from all concerned if you ask me.

conflict resolution skills

Explain

Know who you need to consult when making a decision.

Know who your decision will affect and how.

Seek information internally and externally.

Decisions are not to be made alone.

conflict resolution in the workplace

Advise

Decision making is not about independence.

It is about interdependence.

Refer also to Steven Coveys Interdependence, the 7 habits of highly effective people.

issue resolution

Question

Sometimes when I need to make a decision, I find it difficult to choose between the different available options.

Can you show me some techniques that will make it easier for me to decide on the optimum alternative?

issue management process

Answer

Let me introduce you to three practical techniques that can help you evaluate alternative options:

The T-chart

Force Field Analysis

The Decision Matrix

The T Chart
Force Field Analysis

Focus on each option in turn and identify both Pro’s and Con’s.

Write input on a flip-chart for the whole group to see and for it to serve as visual stimulus.

Encourage conscious thought about the implications, benefits, losses, etc. of the decision.

Specify the options/possible solutions/alternatives.

List all the forces working against the attainment of the goal (the impeding forces).

List all the forces working for or promoting the goal (the impelling forces).

For each impeding force list all the possible factors that could possibly reduce or eliminate
that force.

For each impelling force list all the factors that could possibly increase that force.

Evaluate the effort and “cost” involved in implementing each option.

The Decision Matrix

  1. Identify the different options available.
  2. Identify criteria for decision making or evaluation.
  3. Quantify importance of criteria on a scale (e.g. 1 to 10).
  4. Evaluate each option in terms of each criterion and quantify on a scale (e.g. 1 to 10).
  5. Write score in lower part of block in each column.
  6. Multiply each score with the value of the corresponding criterion and write it in top part of the block.
  7. Add the scores written in the top part of the blocks in each row to get a score for each option.

Issue Resolution

Issue Resolution

Advice

Note that these techniques also apply to the Issue Management and Resolution process when it comes to choosing between alternative solutions.

Use the GROW model to develop effective questioning skills
Chapter 5 p.11
I find that effective questioning is at the heart of dealing successfully with various situations. Which tools can I use to improve my questioning skills?
The “GROW Model” is one such tool which can be used for problem solving, review and assessment, relationship issues; in fact, virtually any issue which arises in work or life in general.
It is a process which elicits a positive response and generates and demands a more positive perspective from others, both clients and colleagues.
But what does “GROW” mean?
The GROW Model focuses on four aspects which can be applied when asking question in practically any situation:
G = GOALS
R = REALITY
O = OPTIONS
W = WILL
Goals:
What is the goal of this discussion?
What do you want to achieve?
Is it an end or performance goal?
If an end goal – what is the performance goal associated with it?
When do we want to achieve our goal?
(Positive – Challenging – Attainable)
Reality:
Where are we now?
Where did we come from?
What is happening now?
What results did that produce?
What is happening internally and externally?
Who is involved?What have you done about this so far?
Options:
What options do we have?
What else can we do?
What if…?
Would you like another suggestion?
What are the benefits and costs associated
with each of these options?
Will:
What are you going to do?
Will this meet your/our goal?
What obstacles could you face?
How will you overcome them?
What support do you need?
How will you get that support?
When are you going to do it?
Effective questioning and effective listening are definitely indispensable skills for effective mentioning and feedback.

Use the GROW model to develop effective questioning skills

Chapter 5 p.11

w&t_question

I Ask

I find that effective questioning is at the heart of dealing successfully with various situations. Which tools can I use to improve my questioning skills?

w&t_exclamation

I Answer

The GROW Model is one such tool which can be used for problem solving, review and assessment, relationship issues; in fact, virtually any issue which arises in work or life in general.

It is a process which elicits a positive response and generates and demands a more positive perspective from others, both clients and colleagues.

w&t_question

I Ask

But what does GROW mean?

w&t_binoculars

I Explain

The GROW Model focuses on four aspects which can be applied when asking questions in practically any situation:

G = GOALS

R = REALITY

O = OPTIONS

W = WILL

Goals

  1. What is the goal of this discussion?
  2. What do you want to achieve?
  3. Is it an end or performance goal?
  4. If an end goal – what is the performance goal associated with it?
  5. When do we want to achieve our goal?

(Positive – Challenging – Attainable)

Reality

  1. Where are we now?
  2. Where did we come from?
  3. What is happening now?
  4. What results did that produce?
  5. What is happening internally and externally?
  6. Who is involved?
  7. What have you done about this so far?

Options

  1. What options do we have?
  2. What else can we do?
  3. What if…?
  4. Would you like another suggestion?
  5. What are the benefits and costs associated with each of these options?

Will

  1. What are you going to do?
  2. Will this meet your/our goal?
  3. What obstacles could you face?
  4. How will you overcome them?
  5. What support do you need?
  6. How will you get that support?
  7. When are you going to do it?
w&t_elephant

I Advise

Effective questioning and effective listening are definitely indispensable skills for effective mentioning and feedback.

Active and Passive listening skills
Chapter 5
p.10
People often say that I’m not a good listener. The other day a team member said that I don’t hear what he is saying and that I should brush up on my “Active listening skills”. I don’t know what he meant.
Can you give me some guidelines?
Effective listening skills are of crucial importance in business, especially if you want to hear beyond what a customer is saying. It is important to understand the difference between “Passive Listening” and “Active Listening”, for both encompass a set of skills you need in order to be effective in your communication with colleagues and customers.
Passive listening techniques focus on keeping the communication flowing. It encourages the speaker to “open up”.
Passive listening:
Pay attention to the speaker.
Avoid judgmental or defensive responses.
Exert mild pressure on the speaker to keep on talking, explaining and elaborating.
Create the space the speaker needs to verbalize his real needs, opinion or doubts.
Acknowledgement:
Can simply be done by nodding the head and leaning forward, or through the use of expressions like:
“I see”
“Yes…”
“Hmm…”
“Really”, etc.
Avoid evaluative acknowledgments like:
“That’s good!”
“Excellent!”
“Your right.”,etc.
Door openers:
Door openers are responses from the listener that encourage the speaker to open up to talk about their needs, expectations, concerns, doubts and fears:
“Tell me more about that..”
“Help me to understand what you are saying regarding…”
“I’m interested to hear what you think of…”
“I’d like to hear what you feel about…”
“I’d like to hear what you are saying about…”
Listening is not about keeping quiet, it’s about getting involved in what the speaker is saying and facilitating additional communication.
And what about Active Listening?
Active Listening is about ensuring that the receiver in the communication decodes the message transmitted by the sender correctly. Active listening closes the loop in communication, providing feedback to the sender.
The active listener verbally shares impressions or understanding with the sender by paraphrasing back perceptions of the message.
The following phrases may be used when you want to check your understanding and you wish to create the opportunity for the sender to correct you if you have missed the point, or to elaborate further on the sender’s needs, expectations, doubts, etc.
When you are certain you understand what has been said:
“What I hear you saying is…”
“From your point of view…”
“I’m picking up that you…”
“As you see it…”
“What I really hear you saying, is that…”
“It seems to you…”
“You feel…”
When you are less certain that you understand, the following creates the opportunity for the sender to correct you:
“I think I hear you saying…”
“I wonder if I am correct when I say that…”
“It appears you..”
“I’m not sure I’m wrong with you but…”
“Correct me if I am wrong but…”
“Is it possible that…”
“Let me see if I understand you…”
I trust you understand what was meant by “Listening beyond what the customer is saying”.
Acting upon this information is the true key to agility in business.

Active and Passive listening skills

Chapter 5 p.10

w&t_question

I Ask

People often say that I’m not a good listener. The other day a team member said that I don’t hear what he is saying and that I should brush up on my active listening skills. I don’t know what he meant.

Can you give me some guidelines?

w&t_exclamation

I Answer

Effective listening skills are of crucial importance in business, especially if you want to hear beyond what a customer is saying. It is important to understand the difference between Passive Listening and Active Listening, for both encompass a set of skills you need in order to be effective in your communication with colleagues and customers.

w&t_binoculars

I Explain

Passive listening techniques focus on keeping the communication flowing. It encourages the speaker to open up.

Passive listening

  • Pay attention to the speaker.
  • Avoid judgmental or defensive responses.
  • Exert mild pressure on the speaker to keep on talking, explaining and elaborating.
  • Create the space the speaker needs to verbalize his real needs, opinion or doubts.

Acknowledgement

Can simply be done by nodding the head and leaning forward, or through the use of expressions like:

  • “I see”
  • “Yes…”
  • “Hmm…”
  • “Really”, etc.

Avoid evaluative acknowledgments like:

  • “That’s good!”
  • “Excellent!”
  • “Your right.”, etc.

Door openers

Door openers are responses from the listener that encourage the speaker to open up to talk about their needs, expectations, concerns, doubts and fears:

  • “Tell me more about that..”
  • “Help me to understand what you are saying regarding…”
  • “I’m interested to hear what you think of…”
  • “I’d like to hear what you feel about…”
  • “I’d like to hear what you are saying about…”
w&t_elephant

I Advise

Listening is not about keeping quiet, it’s about getting involved in what the speaker is saying and facilitating additional communication.

w&t_question

I Ask

And what about Active Listening?

w&t_exclamation

I Answer

Active Listening is about ensuring that the receiver in the communication decodes the message transmitted by the sender correctly. Active listening closes the loop in communication, providing feedback to the sender.

The active listener verbally shares impressions or understanding with the sender by paraphrasing back perceptions of the message.

w&t_ch5_o_productive-listening

The following phrases may be used when you want to check your understanding and you wish to create the opportunity for the sender to correct you if you have missed the point, or to elaborate further on the sender’s needs, expectations, doubts, etc.

When you are certain you understand what has been said:

  • “What I hear you saying is…”
  • “From your point of view…”
  • “I’m picking up that you…”
  • “As you see it…”
  • “What I really hear you saying, is that…”
  • “It seems to you…”
  • “You feel…”

When you are less certain that you understand, the following creates the opportunity for the sender to correct you:

  • “I think I hear you saying…”
  • “I wonder if I am correct when I say that…”
  • “It appears you..”
  • “I’m not sure I’m wrong with you but…”
  • “Correct me if I am wrong but…”
  • “Is it possible that…”
  • “Let me see if I understand you…”
w&t_elephant

I Advise

I trust you understand what was meant by Listening beyond what the customer is saying.

Acting upon this information is the true key to agility in business.

Manage anger signals and respond effectively

Chapter 5 p.9

w&t_question

I Ask

Angry? Me? No! I never get angry, at least I never show it, especially not with customers and colleagues.

Is there anything wrong with that?

w&t_exclamation

I Answer

The issue is not whether you show anger or not, but whether you know how to deal effectively with anger signals. The inability to do so often leads to destructive behavioral patterns and can easily let you end up in a guilt cycle.

What is needed, in Mike Matulovich’s terms, is real Elephant behavior in dealing with anger.

The diagram below contrasts the way in which the Elephant, the Ostrich and the Rhinoceros deal with anger.

w&t_ch5_n_responding_to_anger_signals

Four guidelines to manage anger and respond effectively:

  1. Address the problem.
    • Ask questions in order to obtain information to solve the problem.
    • Re-frame: What else could it mean?
  2. Dissociate from criticism and use a SMART action plan to solve the problem.
  3. Ask yourself what you can learn from this situation.
  4. Then let it go and forgive yourself
w&t_elephant

I Advise

Sounds to me as if some emotional awareness would serve you well in dealing with your anger.

Also remember the Issue Resolution model.

Interpersonal skills
Effective interpersonal skills are based on effective communication
Chapter 5
p.1
I am of the opinion that the way I get along with my colleagues is very important for my success. What can you teach me about interpersonal skills?
You are right – this is a critical aspect of success. Effective interpersonal skills in your business life as well as your personal life are based on effective communication.
Your contribution and value-add depend in large measure upon your ability to communicate effectively with customers and team members, understanding their behavior and upon the nature of the relationship you maintain with them.
Equally important is your own self-awareness of how you respond to others and how you are perceived by your customers and team members.
This section of the book deals with the various tools and concepts that will assist you in managing Interpersonal relationships.
But first – let’s study the Mindmap.
Apply the process of Actions & Results rather than Analysis & Understanding.
Use your great personal capacity and gain in understanding of how and where you do your best work while you work; avoid focusing on analyzing yourself and once you understand you will do something. Take action and learn as you do, rather than analyzing, trying to understand and then doing.
Interpersonal skills:
7 habits of highly effective people
Growing the arena – The Johari window
Stimulus and response
Association and Dissociation
Finding common ground
Understanding DISC profiles
Feedback gap:
Stimulus and response
Responding to anger signals
Effective questioning
Productive listening
Association and dissociation

Effective interpersonal skills are based on effective communication

Chapter 5 p.1

w&t_question

I Ask

I am of the opinion that the way I get along with my colleagues is very important for my success. What can you teach me about interpersonal skills?

w&t_exclamation

I Answer

You are right – this is a critical aspect of success. Good interpersonal skills in your business life as well as your personal life are based on effective communication.

Your contribution and value-add depend in a large measure on your ability to communicate effectively with customers and team members; understanding their behavior and respecting the nature of your relationship.

Equally important is your own self-awareness of how you respond to others and how you are perceived by your customers and team members.

w&t_binoculars

I Explain

This section of the book deals with the various tools and concepts that will assist you in managing interpersonal relationships.

But first – let’s study the Mindmap.

Apply the process of Actions & Results rather than Analysis & Understanding.

Use your great personal capacity and gain in understanding of how and where you do your best work; avoid focusing on analyzing yourself and thinking that once you understand yourself you will do something.

Take action and learn as you do, rather than analyzing, trying to understand and then doing.

Interpersonal skills

Close the Feedback gap